I Was Made For Loving You

- Tanja Brann -

You know that place... that place in your life that is seemingly without hope?

I found myself once again at that place as I was lying on the OB/GYN table hearing the exact words again that I had heard 5 months prior, “There is no heartbeat. Your body has already started the process of breaking down the whole structure.”

At that point in my life I was all too familiar with death and loss in general. I was raised by my Dad who was a single parent most of my life. I was widowed by the time I was 24 years old. And now, lying on that table, I found out that I had lost my third baby.

I was never the type of person who asked “Why”. I just knew that bad things happened to good people. I figured that asking “Why?” and doubting wouldn’t get me or anyone else happiness. But on that cold February morning in Texas that very question did arise and wanted to take root in my mind.

Our doctor, who by the way, had exquisite bedside manners and walked with us every step of the way, recommended we go see a fertility specialist. So we did. To my shock the fertility doctor told me that I should be in my prime fertile years but instead I was going to be entering menopause early. He further told us that if I wanted a child it had to happen this year or the chances would be gone for good. Do what!? I was only 27 years old. Menopause???

And just like that, I found myself in the middle of tests and different types of fertility treatments that lasted for months. Never did I think I would ever find myself in this position. As a matter of fact it had never even crossed my mind.

Going through these types of tests and treatments made me feel like I was stripped of all dignity and I began doubting my worth as a woman. The one thing that my body was supposed to do - conceive, grow, protect and deliver a baby - it couldn’t do?

Not only did I start doubting my identity as a woman but my identity as God’s daughter.

You see I was already battling insecurities. Having been raised by my dad, who was a single parent, made me question my capability of one day being a good mother. What does it mean for a woman to love and nurture a child? Will I know what to do day in and day out? Growing up I had to discover many things on my own. Will I be able to teach those very things, that I was missing out on, to my daughter? Is there really such a thing as a mother’s instinct? I may be able to raise a son, but a daughter? That’s just simply terrifying. Will I be able to shower my child with the overflowing and unconditional love every child deserves?

And now all those fears were topped with the fact that even my body cannot do what it’s supposed to do? The questions and doubts in my head just kept flooding my mind.

Finally, on July 11th, 2013 we found out we were pregnant. Excitement and sheer anxiety hit all at the same time. “Am I going to lose this baby too?” “I bet there won’t be a heart beat when we go in.” “I definitely won’t let myself get excited because most likely this baby is not going to make it. Obviously my body doesn’t know how to feed and take care of tiny little human beings.” These questions and more flooded my mind and took me on an emotional roller coaster for the following nine months.

One day, I was about four months pregnant and we had just moved into a house, my husband borrowed a drill from a friend to mount our TV. As he was working he was once again overcome by fear about losing this baby that was growing in my womb or for this child not be healthy.

As he was done drilling the hole and putting everything neatly back into the drill case, to give it back to his friend, he heard God say, “Look at this drill. Your friend let you borrow it. He trusted that you would steward the drill well while it is in your possession. This drill was never yours to keep, only yours to steward. This baby in Tanja’s womb is not yours. It is mine. It is yours to steward well. It is my choice for how long you get to steward this child. I have great plans for this child.”

Over the following months God took us on an in depth journey about the meaning of stewardship.

A few weeks after borrowing that drill we found out the gender. “It’s a girl!” the doctor proclaimed. We decided that her name was going to be Bailey Milana. We knew Milana meant gracious but didn’t know the meaning of the name Bailey. I always liked that name, not sure why, but somehow it had been dear to my heart for years.

In the evening of our gender reveal party; a friend of mine asked me if I knew what the meaning of the name Bailey was. I told her I had no clue and couldn’t find it. A few hours passed and I received a text from her: Steward.

What? Wow! Bailey means steward. How crazy is that! That was a huge confirmation that God had been with us every step of the way - through heart breaks, emotionally strong and emotionally weak moments, through joy and sadness; he was always right there.

Here we were learning in depth about what it means to steward a life, a family, and basically every part of our lives. And in the middle of all of that we named our child gracious steward, without even knowing it. I love how God, our loving Heavenly Father, tenderly confirms His love for us in the most surprising and thoughtful ways.

All of a sudden all my questions about my identity as a woman, my identity as a daughter of the Most High God, my doubts about being a good mother, were gone.

You see, how could I doubt my identity if the Most High God entrusted me His child, His daughter? He trusts me to do my very best, to raise her into a beautiful, compassionate, honoring, and loving young lady. After all I was fearfully and wonderfully made. He doesn’t care about my past.

He trusts me to raise her according to His ways despite my upbringing, despite my past. He only cares for the here, the now and the forever. The bible says that he set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. He knew the story of your life before it even began. He also knew all the heartbreak you would be experiencing due to the fallen world we live in. Yet, his plan is perfect. He set eternity in our hearts so that we may be able find Him; so that we may be able to be embraced by His unfailing love; so that He can whisper into our ear that we were made for loving Him.  

God created us, and our children, for one purpose; to love him with all of our heart and mind. By loving Him and being loved by Him we are able to step into our destiny as women. As he whispers into our ears His love and plan for us, our bruised and shattered hearts are being put back together and hope arises. The doubts and lies can no longer take hold of our minds. Many waters cannot quench love. We were made for loving Him because He first loved us. Everything else on our path-to-destiny-to-do list will fall into place when we first stop and listen to His loving whisper; even in the middle of our sorrow and anguish.

Today, 4 years after my second miscarriage, my husband and I (I remarried in 2011) are the proud parents of two beautiful daughters. These two little ladies have turned my world upside down and I never knew I could love someone so deeply. Motherhood to these two girls is so precious and so pure. It has restored the meaning of the bond between a mother and a child to its true beauty.

Our younger daughter, Zoé Elise, was a surprise baby even after our fertility specialist told us we would not have a second baby. She came 6 weeks early and ended up in the NICU, which was another scare and is another story. But today she is healthy and strong. And for the early menopause, well it’s absolutely nowhere in sight.

Remember that facts, and doctor’s diagnosis cannot stand in the face of truth. Truth and love always prevail.

The seasons of my life have been accompanied by, what I call, anthems. May this song How Great Is Your Love on the Passion album Worthy Of Your Name be soothing to your heart and bring peace to your mind as you let yourself be wrapped up in God’s love.

From the darkness

I called Your name

Into darkness

Your mercy came

You called me out

Lifted me up

How great is Your love

You bore my weakness

You took my shame

Buried my burdens

In fields of grace

You called me out

Lifted me up

How great is Your love

From the heights of heaven

You stepped down to earth

Innocent perfection

Gave Your life for us

We are amazed

We stand in awe

For we have been changed

By the power of the cross

How great, how great

How great is Your love

How great, how great

How great is Your love

How great, how great

How great is Your love for us

In Your kindness

You lead me home

In Your presence

Where I belong

You called me out

Lifted me up

How great is Your love

There has never been

There will never be

A God like You

A love so true

Tanya was a sweet sweet face that I used to know from around the office at Gateway Church, and she moved across the ocean back to Europe! I'm so grateful now for our connection, and that she was willing, even so many miles (and years) away, to share her story. We truly hope it inspires you to continue hoping in our Heavenly Father!