Thy Will Be Done
Most little girls dream about their wedding day but my dreams were about having babies, being a mommy, and having my own little family to care for. As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mommy and knew I specifically wanted four children of my own one day.
After six years of dating my high school sweetheart and I were married and seven months after our wedding and we were pregnant! The journey I had dreamed of had begun.
After sharing the exciting news of our bundle of joy to be we began planning our lives around this special little gift whom we nicknamed Baby KW. On New Year's Eve, I began spotting and a few days later was told the words that would continue to replay in my head, “no heartbeat”. I had suffered a missed miscarriage and though I was almost 14 weeks pregnant our little bundle of joy had passed away weeks earlier. I asked to have a D & C as I could not imagine completing the miscarriage naturally and facing our lifeless little baby. This is a decision I regret to this day as I would do anything just to see the precious baby I never got to embrace.
Following the loss of Baby KW, I realized I had distanced myself from God and was living my life on my own terms. I began to reconnect with God and knew the only way to move forward was through faith in God.
Two months after my D & C I was pregnant again. After experiencing pregnancy complications, miscarriage scares, and a long, complicated and dangerous labor I was finally able to hold our first born baby boy in November 2010. Throughout my pregnancy, with him, I was terrified of losing him. I had a new relationship with God, I had faith in him but that still was not enough for me to let go of all the fears associated with a pregnancy after loss. Less than two years later after an uncomplicated pregnancy and normal delivery, I gave birth to our first baby girl.
Just before her first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, this pregnancy was also complicated I was put on bed rest and terrified for his life. I was told I was having a threatened miscarriage and based on my symptoms the outcome was not promising. After much prayer, I gave birth to another beautiful and healthy baby boy. By this point, my relationship with God looked completely different than it ever had.
Just before Father’s Day that year I was surprised with another pregnancy. We had planned all our other pregnancies but this one was a total shock. Unlike our other pregnancies when I started having symptoms I decided to take a test while my children were napping, without my husband by my side so I could surprise him.
After they woke up my five year old son came to me and said, “You’re having a baby aren’t you?” I was completely shocked and confused, my first thought was "what did I do with the pregnancy test box?", but I knew it was hidden. I played it off and asked why he would say that. His response blew me away. “ God sent an angel to me in my dream to tell me, you have a baby in your belly, its twins. You know mommy it’s okay if one or both of the babies die they will go to Heaven, like Baby KW.” I was shocked by the timing of his dream since I just found out I was pregnant but knew now he was just dreaming.
I shared the news with my husband as an early Father’s day gift. We were beyond excited to grow our family again. My fear of loss was particularly high this time. I just had a feeling I was going to lose the baby and I could not explain it. I thought maybe my son’s dream had just triggered my own personal fears.
But then once again I was having complications shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I remember crying out to God aloud so many times and praying for him to save our baby. At the first doctor’s appointment, I was told everything was fine the spotting I was having was normal. Then it continued and another trip to the doctor and an ultrasound was something I never expected. I was pregnant with twins! I never even thought about having twins and as soon as the joy of that news sank in at the same appointment I was told the health of the babies could not be confirmed. They could not see heartbeats and were not sure if it was just because of how early I was in the pregnancy or if they babies had passed.
I was beyond devastated but so many things were different with this pregnancy. Before I found out I was pregnant I had heard a song that spoke to me in so many ways, it was called Thy Will by Hillary Scott & The Scott Family. The song was about her own experience with miscarriage. I heard the song again on the way home from the doctor’s office after finding out I was carrying twins. Now I fully believe my five-year-old son did not just have a dream. I believe he had an encounter with God and that God used him to bring me comfort.
At this point, I did not need the doctors to confirm the loss of the twins for me. I already felt it, I knew they had already passed away. I felt like I could have written the song Thy Will myself, every lyric was so fitting to me. Then one night as I was crying out to God about why me, why our babies, I was reminded of the song yet again. I felt God telling me, “Thy will”. This is when I learned what true scripture-based faith is supposed to be like.
I let go of my own personal desires and I told God, “Thy will be done.” I knew I could trust him. I know he did not cause me to lose our babies but I knew he would use this experience for his good. I had the kind of faith that knew God can do anything even the impossible but even if he did not, he was still good and I still trusted him. I was unable to complete the miscarriage naturally and unfortunately had another D & C. Almost exactly one year later I was in the same hospital giving birth to my fourth born!
We often hear about faith and how it can move mountains but we rarely talk about what to do when that mountain remains. When we have Bible-based faith we trust and love God, we know he can do anything, we trust and love God even when the mountain remains. Our God is good God even during bad times. God not only gave me the four children my young heart desired, he gave me three more that I get to meet in Heaven and spend eternity with. He exceeded my desires and used the hard times to renew my relationship and strengthen my faith. All the hardships created a testimony and a first-hand witness to my four children who get to hear that faith did not move mountains for us but instead it made new ones that they look forward to meeting with their Heavenly Father one day.
Megan Wurzelbacher recently published a book, "You Are- Trusting God to Define Who You Are" which was written to help erase what we label ourselves to be and find out who God created us to be. It encourages women to trust God and allow him to define who they are despite who they may think they are, who others have told them they are, or who they have become because of life's circumstances. She shares her story of who she thought she was and how because of the loss of our first child (and later our twins), she renewed her relationship with God and learned to trust him.