A poem from a daddy after miscarriage

My husband, Billy, wrote this poem after our first miscarriage with our son, Levi. I can't imagine a more appropriate time to share this poem, as we launch Joy Comes in the Morning: Coloring Through Infant Loss & Miscarriage in 2 days. 

Miscarriage is HARD for the moms. But it's hard for the dad's too! I hope this blesses a hurting daddy today.

To Levi by Billy Bourne

There's no direction for my emotion

I'm confused on what to feel...

A hurt without a name 

But, a hurt I can't conceal.

 

You’ll never see a day begin

A life without a breath

Innocence that knows no sin

My wife's spirit without rest

 

I'll never recognize your mother

Behind the smiles of your eye

I know you only by your heartbeat

And by your name - Levi

 

 Your eyes will never open

 Your hands will never hold

 Your lips will never kiss

 Your story never told

 

You will never say you love me

I'll never see you wed

I'll never make you pancakes

Or carry you to bed

 

 I'll never make you laugh

 I'll never let you win

 I'll never pick you up

 I'll never tuck you in

 

I'll never hold you in my arms

I'll never hear you cry

I'm blind to see your face

There's no answer to the - why?

 

So I sat down with the lord

And asked him to help me see

Why he would let this happen

Here's what he said to me:

 

Like a son that I've created

Who never knew me while on earth

Eternal separation from me    

Like your son without his birth

 

They will never know my love

Or who I created them to be

Lost forever and unknown

Their true identity a mystery

 

But, my grace is SO sufficient

Your broken heart I clearly see

But on the day you see my face

You'll see Levi standing next to me

 

I'll be your voice, I'll be your dad

And I'll love and pray for you

Until the day I see the Father

And the first day I see you

- Billy Bourne -


thoughts from a father on miscarriage

I'm so blessed to have a husband who not only supports me in the things I pursue, but who participates with me. Although you may hear more out of me, He's been actively working right alongside me in this ministry from the beginning. He loves the I Am Fruitful Community, he's constantly showing me a new perspective, and his heart for men and couples is inspiring. 

We experienced 3 miscarriages throughout our delayed fertility, and this is one life-changing thing that the Lord showed my husband as we battled with loneliness, difficult questions, and anger towards God. Now, from Billy...


"I Know How You Feel" - God

If you're like me– you may have read this with a slightly sarcastic tone, or maybe you know it is SUPPOSED to be true but you haven't yet unlocked the mystery of truth that seems to be alluding your thoughts. 

I remember how angry I was when I was digging into the injustice of our 2nd miscarriage.  

I remember sitting down (the way I had historically approached prayer) and taking out the checklist of thoughts I had to build my case against the so called 'goodness' of God. 

Somehow deep down I wanted to be corrected. I wanted to have my perspective change the way He had shown me so many times before. Maybe because my anger blinded me or maybe because I was experiencing emotions on a level I hadn't experienced before, or both; I went in and out of those conversations without an answer and without a response that seemed to help me understand or bring me peace.

At the time I had all but given up trying to understand the how and why of miscarriage...  I had seemingly moved on and chalked it up as "something I just won't understand until I get to heaven," and that's when completely randomly– God downloaded this...

It started with an intense emotion of empathy–  as if I felt and connected with God before I understood fully what He was going to unpack. Then I stumbled onto this scripture.

Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you.
— Jeremiah 1:5

Then God hit me with this–  "I've had billions of miscarriages."

Wait...  huh???

The idea began to unfold...  He showed me that every time one of His children is born, they have the choice throughout their life of whether to spend eternity with their Father.  They have a choice to spend their life pursuing a relationship with Him or not. When they choose not to, they will be apart from Him for all of eternity. 

He loses them, but they aren't forgotten. 

We think of this verse, talking about the point of conception and even before it, that God the Father had us in mind. He knew us. And so, He also knows our children, even though we never will on this earth. Our children will be apart from us through our time on this earth, but we serve a Father who redeems. His perfect design unites us forever with not only our earthly children, but the children we haven't known.

God can change our perspective in a moment. I want to encourage you to pursue a conversation with Him in faith– that He is good, He understands, and He wants to comfort you...  

He knows how you feel...



Lately on Instagram