PCOS, Adoption Loss, & A Miracle
- Amy Noble-
We began trying to have a baby after 6 years of marriage. I had never started my period on my own in high school, and the nice doctor at the time made it sound all pretty and easy saying I may need to take a pill to help me get pregnant. So I never really worried about it. After one year of trying, we found out I do not ovulate (this small detail was not explained to me as a teenager). I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
We started on Clomid for only 2 cycles and quit. I decided to seek homeopathic help and along with diet change, I started taking herbs (I was up to 42 pills a day!) but soon quit cold turkey and then had 6 months of extreme heavy bleeding. I then had laparoscopic surgery to remove a large cyst and drill holes in my healthy ovary to induce ovulation. It worked as I ovulated on my own for the first time 6 weeks after surgery! We restarted Clomid again and continued for 6 months. I am certain I got pregnant the first cycle and miscarried immediately. I was out of town with my mom therefore my husband and I never grieved this together. We just kind of moved on (not healthy). After that nothing happened.
After a couple months, we felt the Lord lead us to adoption as we had no desire to continue treatments at that time. We went through the process and we were picked 9 days after turning in our profile. For six weeks we built a relationship via phone with the birth mom. Well she had an emergency c-section at 27 weeks. Our baby, Brianna Joy, was born with Hydrops which, unknown to us, was a fatal condition. She passed away in my arms 30 hours after birth.
So much happened during the 4 days we were with her and her family. It was an amazing time and God used us in ways we couldn't have imagined! We always said Brianna was not given to us, but we were given to Brianna. And God chose us to be the ones to be there and help bring healing between Britney and her parents.
Well things went really bad for us the following year. Along with other events that happened, we completely fell apart. It was a very scary time for our marriage. 2004 was our 10 year anniversary and at times I didn't think we would make it. 2005 was not much better but finally 2006 began to show hope for us by God's redeeming grace! It was at that time that we decided to try treatments again and went on to do 3 rounds of shots with the last treatment including artificial insemination.
But still nothing.
I only felt drained emotionally and physically by the 3rd month and told him I couldn't, or didn't want to, do it anymore. I kept saying "I serve a big God, so if God wants me pregnant, then I will get pregnant." I never felt like this was an excuse to not to do the hard work for what I wanted. I truly felt a conviction in my heart for this truth. But this was the work that God was doing in my heart alone. So I would never say it is for everyone else. I believe He uses medical treatments, etc to bring about his will. However, for us, I didn't feel that was the case at that time.
The next 4 years flew by and we were no nearer to taking another step toward a family than we were before. This is where my heart was, writing to a friend who was also struggling, "...I believe God is doing a lot in us and we know the road we are on right now, but because it does not include kids at this very moment, it is so easy to get my focus off the Lord and onto myself. So I'm learning to patiently, and diligently, keep my eyes on Jesus and allow Him to do all that He desires in me. I don't want to miss a thing! ... God is always working in the background of our lives, preparing, prepping, moving around, getting ready, every one and every part for the purpose that He has for you! ... God is not like most men that don't know what to do with you when you cry. God cries with you. He will hold you and ... I believe He will carry you through ... because this is something you just can't do in your own strength. Only in His strength, and by His grace and power, can we survive."
I believe I wrote this in early 2010 right before I got pregnant with our miracle, Emery Rose. It was a major surprise to us!! A shock really! We were both at a place where we felt God calling us maybe into missions. We had a heart for orphans and felt Him saying He was going to move us and to be ready. All these words we kept hearing from the Lord. We didn't know what it all meant exactly or what His timing was. For a year, I found myself suddenly ovulating, all on my own, about every 3-4 months. By May of 2010, I missed my period. I honestly didn't give it much thought (because after 10 years I could've bought stock in "hopeful" pregnancy tests), despite the fact that when I did ovulate, my period was always on time. I finally tested after 3 days and got two positive tests. I told my husband after the 3rd positive test. He couldn't believe it!! We couldn't believe it! Yet I still didn't have that joyful cry until 10 days later after we had the two blood tests to confirm it.
Emery Rose Noble was born January 27, 2011. She was a perfectly healthy, beautiful 5 lb 11oz baby and our lives instantly changed!
At some point, during 2007, a friend asked me how I can have so much peace about not having a family. She was struggling with similar feelings but with the desire to be married. I said, with confidence and the purest heart... because He loves me. He LOVES .... ME!!! I hope you can grasp that. Because His love is endless for us. It is not changed by our circumstance, nor is it changed by our tears. He is not surprised when we get angry with Him for not coming through for us. He is patient and kind and loving and has the most awesome plan for our lives!!!! All we have to do is trust. None of that makes the pain of infertility go away. It just makes it easier to run to Him when we are down. His promise for you is for good.
I continue to struggle with infertility. We have not been able to have another child. And that is another heartbreak all in itself. I long to give her a sibling. When she was almost 3 years old (and I was 40!!!), God surprised us again, just as I was settling peacefully into the knowledge that she was the only one for us. I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2013. However January 8, 2014, we miscarried and he went to be with the Lord. I was devastated all over again and all the old emotions came back. But God is good and faithful and His love endures forever!!
I am content. Every time my heart aches for a sibling for Emery, I remember what a miracle she is and how grateful I am and I ask the Lord to help me be content. I trust He has a plan for her. He created her and His future for her is going to be amazing!
After Emery was born, I came across a note I had written during church one Sunday two years earlier. During worship, I heard the Lord tell me that I would have a child of my very own. One created by us. I wrote it down and stuck it in my bible. I never shared it with anyone, not even my husband. It felt like a secret between me and my daddy, a surprise that no one else knew about. Every few months I would come across it. Over time, my response to seeing it went from a feeling of faithful relief and strong belief in the God I know, to a feeling of doubt and questioning whether He truly spoke it or not. But even then, I would pray "whatever Your will, may it be done" and I'd stick it back in my bible. But I refused to give up on that promise. So I broke into grateful tears when I came across it once again with my Emery right there beside me. He is a miracle worker! He is alive in our hearts and knows our desires more than we know them ourselves.