Waiting on My World to Change
- Lindsay Huckins-
The excitement was racing in my heart as I waited to see my baby for the first time. Yes, it was my second child—not to mention our first baby was only 5 months old—but it was still just as thrilling as the first time. My husband and I had always said we wanted our kids close together, so this felt perfect.
We were leaving town in two days to go on vacation with my whole family (about 50 of us) and we were planning to announce then that we were pregnant. We had worked out all the details of exactly how we were going to break the news. It was Father’s Day weekend, so we had a hat made for my dad that said, “Papa’s Perfect 10” because his grandkids call him Papa and it was going to be his tenth grandchild. We were so happy.
Our doctor came into the room and congratulated us then started the routine sonogram. Not even two minutes later, he turned back on the lights and spoke two words that forever changed our lives: No. Heartbeat.
To say we were in shock was an understatement. I had no signs of miscarriage and I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. This shouldn’t have been happening. The doctor asked me to come to the hospital in the morning so that they could perform a D&C. With us leaving town so soon, I asked if there was any way I could wait until we got back in 12 days to have the surgery. He reluctantly agreed, but warned that I would probably miscarry on vacation away from my doctor and the hospital.
We left the doctor’s office completely heartbroken and headed to my parent’s house to tell them that we were pregnant and now we weren’t. In the process of talking with them, I felt stirred to believe God for a miracle. I wasn’t feeling any signs of miscarriage and I felt like I should believe that this life was still alive inside of me. I rallied people around me to pray as we all believed for a miracle. The whole vacation I felt great and my faith was increasing. My doctor’s office called while I was on vacation to set up the D&C and I scheduled it two days after I got back from my vacation so that I could have one more sonogram first… just to be sure.
The day of my appointment, I went to the doctor fully believing and claiming my miracle. He did the sonogram, but the news was not what I had been praying for. He said that not only was there still no heartbeat, but my body had already begun the miscarriage process (I was now 12 weeks pregnant and still I felt nothing odd).
That night I miscarried at home.
It was awful. I lost so much blood that I ended up in the emergency room in the middle of the night. My parents were out of the country and it was just my husband and me. Until that point, my parents had been there for us any time things were hard. Now, we were walking through the most difficult thing either of us had walked through before and we only had each other to cling to. I was both heartbroken and humiliated in that hospital room and my husband was there. He saw me at my worst, both physically and emotionally, and he loved me the whole way through. To this day, it’s one of my most special moments between us.
Once we got the okay from the doctor, we immediately started trying to get pregnant again. Every month we weren’t pregnant was like miscarrying all over again. In October 2011 (four months after the miscarriage), I was helping minister at a worship school called DIVE with Rita Springer. As I was getting ready one morning, I was talking to the Lord and I said, “I don’t get it. YOU said ‘Be fruitful and multiply’ (Gen. 1:28). YOU said, ‘blessed is he whose quiver is full’ (Psalm 127:5). So why am I having such a hard time getting pregnant?!” It was then I felt Him say to me, “Because you don’t want the son I want to give you.” I was stunned as that truth cut me to my core.
To me, boys represented wild, out of control, balls of energy that I had no idea what to do with. However, I hadn’t realized that I had said in my heart that I did not want a son. Immediately, I begged God to forgive me. I told Him that I wanted whatever He wanted to give me!
One evening, a few weeks later, I cried out to God. I was heartbroken and ashamed, worried that I was being punished for my ungrateful heart. I really felt Him tell me to begin praising Him. In that moment, all I felt was sadness and grief. Nothing in me even knew what to praise. So, I turned on worship music while I took a bath and bawled my eyes out. It was amazing how my circumstances didn’t change that night, but the way I felt did.
I began to find things to praise Him for. I remembered attributes about Him that I loved and were praise worthy. Part of my journal from 11/18/11 says, “I don’t understand Your ways, but I will bless You. You died for me. You owe me nothing. I bless You for Your faithfulness. I bless You for Your mercy, both new and old. I bless You for Your kindness. I bless You for Your unconditional love. I bless You because You’ve richly blessed me. Woe is me to look at all You’ve given me and be sad about what I don’t have.”
Slowly I began to take my focus off my circumstances and put it on Him and who He is. Psalms 27:13–14 was the hope that I clung to “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!”
One day I was driving in the car and I felt the Lord say, “You will have more babies, but it won’t look like what you think.” That really confused me. How many ways are there to have more babies? Adoption?
About two months after the Lord spoke that to me, I found out I was pregnant with TRIPLETS! That definitely looked different than anything I thought! Not only that, but one of those three precious babies I was carrying was the son He spoke to me about all those months ago.
It took over a year to get pregnant, but the Lord fulfilled His promise to me of more children. I had the triplets and less than two years later, had our fifth and final (we think) child. God has been, is, and will always be good. Not because of my circumstances, but because it’s who He is. I’m grateful for what I walked through because it showed me God’s faithfulness. It taught me to cling to the truth of His Word no matter what is happening in the physical.
Because He is faithful and He is good.
I know Lindsay personally, and I'm so grateful to her for being willing to share her story in such a vulnerable way. This family is truly a representation of what God intended family to be... I've seen that first hand. I want to encourage you to surround yourself with people who are willing to be honest with God, honest with themselves, and honest with their friends. You will be all the better for it. She's a great example of this.
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