Leaning into the Comfort of God
- Amanda Hogue -
We’d started buying pregnancy tests from the Dollar Store in bulk because it was getting expensive. And it was always a negative result anyways, so why spend the money? After 2 years of trying, we decided to start the process to see if there were any fertility issues… we joked that despite all of our efforts, maybe we were doing something wrong? Neither of us ever imagined that there was a fertility problem; we were just going through the tests while we continued to track my cycles through an app, and I continued to take my basal temperature, and desperately hope every month… and eventually waste another pregnancy test.
The testing was more invasive every month and fear began to creep into our hearts, maybe there really was a problem? The call came on afternoon in late February 2016, the clinic explained that there was a male factor problem and they believed it was unlikely that we would be able conceive naturally. The fertility treatment for my husband was extremely invasive, expensive, and had a low percentage of working. We went to a cafe, ordered a couple of beers and just stared at each other. Before we started the fertility testing, we had resolved that we were not going to pursue infertility treatments. We’d seen too many of our friends spend thousands of dollars without success, ride an extremely emotional roller-coaster and we didn’t feel at peace pursuing that.
The conversation that night was quiet. Were we ready to start adoption? Did we want to start researching that right away? Were our hearts ready for that? We knew that through this news, God was inviting us to grow our family through adoption. We didn’t want to waste any time and since that night, the adoption process took over our life. We started obsessively researching agencies, attending live and online information sessions and reading blogs. After choosing an agency, we feverishly jumped into the home-study preparation and completed the paperwork in record time (the agency said we were the most efficient couple they’d ever seen). Our home study was finally approved in July 2016, and we finally slowed down because all that was left to do was wait.
When I finally slowed down, all of the grief of our fertility struggles hit me. We’d never taken the time to process our losses: not walking through a pregnancy, watch an ultrasound, and feel a tiny human grow inside of me. I was wrecked and I didn’t feel like a single person understood my loss. Well meaning friends joked that my pregnancy was just longer than theirs and I just didn’t know my due date. They continued to get pregnant and wait as long as possible before telling me because they knew how hard it was, and I would feel so hurt that they didn’t tell me earlier.
I started to feel angry, I would watch people who didn’t even want to, “accidently” get pregnant. There were the women who I felt didn’t deserve pregnancy, and then those that complained about their pregnancy pains. Frustration and bitterness started to consume me. I had been raised to love justice and this was not just, in my mind. My husband started to realize that I was really struggling and that he wasn’t able to help. At this point, he started to seek God in a fresh, new way. God led us to an in person small group, I am Fruitful, and in the safety of Lauren & Billy’s living room, I started to realize how much grief I still needed to process through.
Seven months after learning about our diagnosis, I started to actually take that grief to the Lord. Initially I had coped with the news by doing everything I could do bring our baby home, not grow closer to God. Through this group, I started to see that there was sweetness in leaning into the comfort of God. I also realized that my husband was also processing through grief, felt an immense loss and felt like a failure. I was finally able to see the value in bearing fruit through a difficult season. When I wanted to walk through this season in anger, frustration and fear, I was reminded to trust in God’s timing, rest knowing that He had good plans for us, and to pray boldly.
This summer (July 2017) we become parents to a beautiful, healthy little girl and have seen God provide for us financially for our adoption in miraculous ways. God was waiting for our sweet daughter to be born so we would be her parents. He had us matched all along. If you’re still waiting for your little ones to join your family, know that God already has your future children named and knows their birthdate. If you’re considering adoption, please reach out to me on IG @amandadanae where I post about life with an adopted one!