Beauty from Ashes

-Kendra Dillon-

I grew up playing with baby dolls. Everyday me and my sister would go down to the basement and spend the whole day changing our babies' diapers. We would feed them, rock them, and put them to sleep. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mother was always my answer.

I remember when all my friends started getting their periods. Mine never came. Even at that young age, fear set in over my future. I got my first one at 16 and then the second came a year later. This went on for years. 

I married the guy I dated all through high school when I was 21. I started seeing a dr after trying to get pregnant for a while. I had lost hope. He was in the air force and living in Texas while I was still in NC. This made it extra complicated. (Just a side note- I was going to leave this part out of my story, but God revealed to me this was a HUGE part of my story. This isn’t for my glory but for His, so I am bringing all the guilt and shame to the table to reveal His goodness.) In the midst of trying to become a mother God revealed that my husband was being unfaithful. I won’t share the whole story. I did try to keep my marriage together. I was crushed. Not only did I lose my husband now I lost my dream of being a mother.

I had a very clear dream soon after finding this out. I was in heaven. There were babies everywhere; I mean EVERYWHERE! They were all smiling and laughing! God was telling me that he would make me a mother and had my babies waiting. Isn’t he good!! I have to be honest though. I questioned that dream a lot.

Two years later I met a man that totally swept me off my feet. He was handsome, kind, and funny. We met, engaged, and married in less than a year. I thank God for him everyday. He is far more than anything I hoped for. There aren’t enough words to express the love I have for this great man! 

Given my past, we started trying to have a baby shortly after getting married. Months and months went by. I celebrated both of my sisters getting pregnant and having babies. And many friends. This was such a happy time- and a sad time. It was hard to deal with those emotions all at once. 

We started fertility treatments, and on our last cycle of clomid I came home from a run to the start of my period. I fell to my knees crying out to God. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was mad, sad, and was out of faith. Right then God told me to go to my bible. God had a word for me. I opened my bible and the words were from Ruth 1:12…"If I should say, have hope, if I should have an husband also to night, and should also BEAR SONS." I was in awe.

Did God just tell me I would have sons!!??

After taking a few months off we continued with failed attempts with IUI. The Dr told us the next step was IVF. We arrived at the phase where they retrieve the eggs. I got out of surgery and the Dr had told me I overstimulated, to go home and rest, and drink a lot of fluids. Two days later, I was back in his office draining 4 liters of fluid from my abdomen. And then ended up in the hospital a week later with a high fever.  I was in the hospital for five days, and on the last day we found out we were pregnant! The day I had prayed for my whole life had arrived. I think me and my husband cried the rest of the day! We were sent home and had a doctors appointment to have an ultrasound the next day. As the doctor was doing the ultrasound, I was praying to God that this baby was alive and thriving and the doctor said, "Well you have two babies in there." Doing IVF we knew that was a possibility, but we were still shocked. 

A week later my husband had a work event late one night and I was running a fever again and had a lot of pain in my neck. I didn’t know what was going on so when he got home he called the doctor, who told him to get me to the ER as soon as possible. At the hospital they performed an ultrasound on my neck and it showed a blood clot in my left juggler vain. The one the goes from your heart to your brain. They immediately started blood thinners and pain meds. The doctors said it didn’t look good for my babies. Y’all I was devastated. I was in the hospital for two weeks with regular ultrasounds to check on the babies. They were doing great. They released me. I was 11 weeks. I was thinking if I could just get past the 12 week mark I would feel much better.  

My husband took me to dinner on the night of our 12th week. After dinner we were walking to the car when I started bleeding. Bleeding a lot. We were on our way to the ER once again. I remember calling my mom crying saying we were losing the babies. She and my dad started praying. Once we got to the ER they admitted me. I had a hemorrhage in my uterus and the blood thinners I was having to take everyday for my blood clot was now making it bleed. The doctors weren’t sure what to do. Lower blood thinners to help protect the babies and risk the bloodclot or keep them where they were with the risk of losing the babies. I prayed and asked God to guide us in these decisions we were having to make. The doctors gathered together and came up with a dosage to help both. The bleeding stopped a week later. They once again released me from the hospital and sent me home with strict bed rest. My OB was hoping to get me to 23 weeks. This was NOT what I had pictured my pregnancy being.

I was in an amazing life group at church, with two amazing leaders dear to my heart. They put together a 24 hour prayer group for me and my babies, with 164 members and 3 countries. The Lord called upon the nations! USA, canada, and france. Y’all, every hour in the 24 hours people were praying. God is AMAZING!!! And I am so thankful for these people!!

By week 25 I was released off bed rest because we were all doing so well. I got to fly home to North Carolina and see my friends and family. They threw me a shower to celebrate life!! By week 29 I went into preterm labor. Prayer warriors went at it again and at 36 weeks I had my twin BOYS. God is true to his word. They didn’t even go to the NICU!!! The babies that weren’t suppose to make it, and then if they did 23 weeks was the goal. But I took my babies home two days later!! Totally healthy. 

Since the twins, we have had two pregnancies. One we miscarried. God has shown her to me in a few dreams. He speaks to me a lot in my dreams. I love that He allows me to see her! And my fourth pregnancy I gave birth to a healthy 9lb baby boy who brings so much joy and laughter. 

It took me a long time to share my story. The enemy likes to put doubt, fear, and comparison in us keeping us from speaking the goodness of Jesus. One morning as I was telling the Lord of my fear of people accepting or judging my story He said “Kendra I don’t care if everyone LIKES your story, I care that everyone HEARS your story." I don’t think my story is great but I sure do think He is, so I will trust and obey. There are some people that think IVF is taking control away from the Lord. I totally believe that this is the path God had for us. He confirmed this to me many times and I refuse to believe the lies of the enemy and keep the goodness of my Lord and Savior quiet. He did a miracle in my life and I truly believe He isn’t finished.
 

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